Lately I have been busy. I mean, typically, I have plenty to do, but my schedule stays pretty flexible. However, over the last two weeks, I haven't felt much flexibility. When I've tried to make some, I end up paying for it by staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning to get things done. When I get overly "busy" I tend to withdraw and re-group on my own. Isolate. Pull back.
As a true introvert, here's how I work- I re-charge by reading or writing or drinking tea or driving around in my car- by myself. The key words- by myself. That's how I was made, so I don't feel guilty about needing alone time, but that pull back tendency needs to stay in check. If it doesn't, it tends to make me over-think, be very self-critical and feel alone. That's where I've been lately. Fighting those blahs that come with feeling isolated. I don't like it and it's caused some deep thinking.
Over the past few years God has really helped me sort through my need for "busyness." I've been learning the difference between filling my life with being "too busy" and instead learning to seek the ways to "serve purposefully." Growing in my ability to "just say no" sometimes.
For me, that journey began as I realized that often my busyness was keeping me from doing the things that were most important. It was keeping me from being more relational.
Sometimes real, deep relationships are difficult for me. Don't get me wrong, I love people. Like to be with them. Like to laugh and share life with them. Love my friends and am so thankful for them. But as Derek Webb once said, "Loving people is not convenient." People aren't always predictable. We don't always do what we say we are going to do. We wear masks. We don't fit into a box. We are not always honest with ourselves or with others. We all have our issues. We hurt each other. Real friendships are sometimes messy. Loving people selflessly is hard. But I have seen when the obstacle of busyness is limited, it's a little easier. I'm not as distracted. I can focus on the reason I'm loving them. It's a lesson I'm still learning, but I'm thankful for it.
Soooo, since things have been so busy, I've been doing some evaluating. Thinking through these lessons I've been learning to be sure they are sticking. I've been making mental notes of the things I have to do and the reasons I'm doing them. And funnily enough, there really isn't anything to eliminate right now. It is a season for busyness. For each activity or meeting or coffee date with a friend there is a real purpose.
That realization did bring me peace, but still I was wrestling a little with the feelings of isolation. Why are they here? What am I missing? I haven't even really been alone. At all. :) So, what's the deal?
Then it hit me. A gentle whisper, a reminder. I need Him. I don't just need to know what He wants me to be doing, I don't just need to know how He wants me to serve or where He wants me to be. Not a prayer time that is spent just looking for guidance and direction, but time that is spent seeing Him. Time. Worship. Listening.
Resting in Him. Re-charging in Him. Re-focusing on Him.
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11
Being still- with Him.